When was the last time you recieved a gift horse?

People need to help me on updating old phrases.

For example:

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

This was cool back when horses were like cars and every family had one. Now, horses are generally only desired by girls and mainly in pony form. If you were given a horse nowadays, it probably wouldn't be considered a gift at all. You have to feed it and take care of its excrement and have a bunch of room for it to be in. A. K. A. total pain. So, now you have the phrase:

"Don't look a mildly annoying horse you have to take care of in the mouth"

which loses the original meaning. It is still applicable to annoying house guests, as you should not question their age so that you can get an estimate of when they will die. (That would be quite rude). However, we still need a replacement for the old phrase so we can still get the point across that you shouldn't judge the value of gifts given.

I put forth the new proverb:

"Don't look a gift beer in the label"

It doesn't matter if someone gives you crap cheap beer that college students drink, some PREMIUM beer like Hudy Delight, or beer brewed by God himself. It is a flipping gift. It has ethyl alcohol in it so you should drink it and enjoy.

If you say you drink beer for some reason other than to get drunk then you should A.) spit each sip of beer out after you have tasted it (like those wine tasting fools) B.) drink non-alcoholic beer C.) stop lying to yourself and your acquaintances and/or D.) drink methanol drinks instead and say you do not do it to get blind/die.

Well Played Coat Factory. Well Played.

It is a well known fact that Burlington, Vermont is the original home of Burlington Coat Factory. In a brilliant move to cover up their plans for world domination, the coat factory faked its own death and would have us believe it is based out of some other state's Burlington.

In a mission to discover this hidden base, I traveled to Burlington, VT and found that plenty of "More Than" from the "More Than Great Coats" had been placed in and near Burlington to distract potential agents like myself.

There is the Ben&Jerry ice cream palace


where they try to fatten you up and bury you in the flavor graveyard if you ask too many coat factory questions. Luckily, I resisted the urge to order the Vermonster.


They also have the Magic Hat brewery


getting you drunk on limitless free samples. Only the sticky glasses and silly beer names saved me from capture, though they did manage to get a surveillance photo of me and my beautiful fellow agent.


The ever present "hippies" wear tie dyed clothing which can hypnotize the unwary. Also, to make the trip (including having to buy more expensive airplane tickets because Jet Blue loves canceling flights) worth it, you have to continuously look at the pretty color changing the trees (they run about a penny per tree-look).


The water monster with a serpent-like body and head of a dragon, called Champ also lurks in the nearby lake and helps defend the hidden coat factory headquarters. I took a good picture of him:


If you can not see him, you have obviously been brainwashed by the BCF. They tried to brainwash one of our team members into jumping off a dock into the cold water of Lake Champlain and the jaws of Champ.


When this plan failed them, they tried to poison us with Arsenic laced soil.

I failed in my mission to locate the coat factory, but have succeeded in scouting the dangers of the area.