When was the last time you recieved a gift horse?

People need to help me on updating old phrases.

For example:

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

This was cool back when horses were like cars and every family had one. Now, horses are generally only desired by girls and mainly in pony form. If you were given a horse nowadays, it probably wouldn't be considered a gift at all. You have to feed it and take care of its excrement and have a bunch of room for it to be in. A. K. A. total pain. So, now you have the phrase:

"Don't look a mildly annoying horse you have to take care of in the mouth"

which loses the original meaning. It is still applicable to annoying house guests, as you should not question their age so that you can get an estimate of when they will die. (That would be quite rude). However, we still need a replacement for the old phrase so we can still get the point across that you shouldn't judge the value of gifts given.

I put forth the new proverb:

"Don't look a gift beer in the label"

It doesn't matter if someone gives you crap cheap beer that college students drink, some PREMIUM beer like Hudy Delight, or beer brewed by God himself. It is a flipping gift. It has ethyl alcohol in it so you should drink it and enjoy.

If you say you drink beer for some reason other than to get drunk then you should A.) spit each sip of beer out after you have tasted it (like those wine tasting fools) B.) drink non-alcoholic beer C.) stop lying to yourself and your acquaintances and/or D.) drink methanol drinks instead and say you do not do it to get blind/die.

Well Played Coat Factory. Well Played.

It is a well known fact that Burlington, Vermont is the original home of Burlington Coat Factory. In a brilliant move to cover up their plans for world domination, the coat factory faked its own death and would have us believe it is based out of some other state's Burlington.

In a mission to discover this hidden base, I traveled to Burlington, VT and found that plenty of "More Than" from the "More Than Great Coats" had been placed in and near Burlington to distract potential agents like myself.

There is the Ben&Jerry ice cream palace


where they try to fatten you up and bury you in the flavor graveyard if you ask too many coat factory questions. Luckily, I resisted the urge to order the Vermonster.


They also have the Magic Hat brewery


getting you drunk on limitless free samples. Only the sticky glasses and silly beer names saved me from capture, though they did manage to get a surveillance photo of me and my beautiful fellow agent.


The ever present "hippies" wear tie dyed clothing which can hypnotize the unwary. Also, to make the trip (including having to buy more expensive airplane tickets because Jet Blue loves canceling flights) worth it, you have to continuously look at the pretty color changing the trees (they run about a penny per tree-look).


The water monster with a serpent-like body and head of a dragon, called Champ also lurks in the nearby lake and helps defend the hidden coat factory headquarters. I took a good picture of him:


If you can not see him, you have obviously been brainwashed by the BCF. They tried to brainwash one of our team members into jumping off a dock into the cold water of Lake Champlain and the jaws of Champ.


When this plan failed them, they tried to poison us with Arsenic laced soil.

I failed in my mission to locate the coat factory, but have succeeded in scouting the dangers of the area.

Outlaw the Car

If public motor vehicles were outlawed and everyone switched to bikes and trains, the world would be a much better place. A massive number of problems would be solved nearly instantaneously.

Lets do what I always do and make a list:

1) Less fatties. More happies. Commuting on a bike everyday is 5 million times as much exercise as pushing down some silly little pedals. Exercise leads to healthier skinnier people and elevates mood => happiness.

2) Greatly limit the number of fatal vehicular accidents. Dying while riding a bike is hard unless of course you are hit by what? Oh yes, a car. Without cars, bicyclists are much safer. First of all, bikes max speed is around 30 mph discounting tailwinds and/or downhills. Secondly, mass of bike <<<<<<<<<<<<<<< mass of car. Thirdishly, bikes are smaller in all dimensions, filling less road area and decreasing collision occurrences. People can still get hurt or killed by being idiots, but it would be much less likely.

3) Related to 2, less road rage/road arrogance. People are less likely to yell at other people on bikes cause they aren't protected by a ton of metal. I don't pick fights with people when they can reach over and punch me in the face or throw sticks in my spokes. Also, where the heck are you going to put a weapon on a bike, and why would you? That is just adding unnecessary weight.

4) Environmental concerns. While laws keep cars relatively non-polluting nowadays, they still spew a bunch of nasty junk into the atmosphere that doesn't belong there and can cause a multitude of problems all of which we might not see. Switching to bikes means the whole world won't become like Beijing.

5) No more need for gasoline. While we won't escape our dependence on oil as there are many important petroleum products, our dependence will be greatly reduced if we stop burning large quantities just to move ourselves around in bulky pieces of metal.

6) Everyone can afford a sports "car". The ideal sports cars cost a lot, like $1,000,000 a lot. To get a bike more than $30,000, you have to start gold plating them or adding diamonds. Any person that can afford an average car can afford a super high end bike. -> The new American dream that can actually be achieved!

7) Recreate communities. Having a lower top end speed, bikes obviously decrease the maximum range a person can go per unit time. This would lead to decreases in the average distance people would want to live from their workplace and extended families. Communities would grow stronger as a larger portion of people would live and work in the same community and actually care about it.

I will accept write in votes for the U. S. House of Representatives if you support my outlaw the car policy.

New Regulations

What do you get when you smash your face into the ground after having your back bike tire slip out from under you when riding over a large hose laying across a sidewalk?

Well, yes, a bunch of stitches.

You also get a few of these:

That now sit at the ends of any hose that crosses a path on the Northwestern campus.

I am saving lives with my own lameness.

Go me!

Tickets for Meetings

There should be tickets that people need to get into meetings.

Both attendance and punctuality would be increased, as people would have to commit early and would have a reminder of when and where the meeting starts. It would also be necessary to not admit any late people (late people are chumpsauces and I am tired of showing up on time so I can wait 5-10 minutes for other people).

Morale would also be improved as everyone wants to go to events that they have tickets to. Going to meetings would be like going to the movies or a concert.

Even better! You could start charging for tickets to mandatory meetings. Then decide to go green and make them e-tickets that you can charge a ridiculous convenience fee for (as in it is convenient for you so you deserve extra money). For all those that want to get around your fee, they can, but the tickets will be launched into space and then crashed into the Mariana Trench. Have fun getting your ****** ******* tickets.

Give us your money!!

Horses Can Only Support Dictatorships

No Parliament, Senate, or other house of government for horses.

First of all, horses can't sit in chairs.

Second of two, when voting, horses only abstain or vote nay.

They really need to get their act together.



Above: The legislation for warmth fails in part due to Icelandic Horse's vote.